it's been awhile....but here goes

Things have been going great with J.R. and I. The kids are really blossoming into very considerate and wonderful people. Not that they weren't great before, but WOW...what a difference leaving our previous environment has done. I feel like a new woman.....I am still working (although day shift now), and the kids are doing great in school. I still wish I could find more time to study for the Pharmacy tech exam, or to exercise, but I am thinking that will come too. Now that the weather is beginning to get nicer and we have gone through daylight savings time....the evenings can be productive times where we can hopefully get outdoors as a family and get in some bike rides. (well as soon as JR, Shelby and I get bikes that is...we already got the kids new ones) So my wish is to be able to not only have some quality family time, but also get some exercise that isn't really like exercise in for all of us!!

I hope to be able to update more often and keep this thing updated....but you all know how it goes!!

updates thus far in my life

I guess when I last posted here, Scott and I were working things out. Things were good for a few weeks tops...then no matter how many times I tried to overlook behaviors that brought us to that place, it just got more difficult. No matter what I said, or did I seemed to be always wrong. Now I ask you...(rhetorically of course)...."Is it possible that one person can be wrong ALL THE TIME? and never be right at all..." I am talking 100% of the time. I honestly don't think it is possible. But hey...I have been wrong before. ;) So feeling unheard, unappreciated, unrespected, unloved and totally taken for granted, I began sleeping on the sofa. Now if you recall I worked night shift 11pm-7am. So sleeping in the first place was at best, difficult if not impossible at times. Add to this sleeping on a sofa that is at best Uncomfortable. Not once in the almost 2 months I slept there did he wonder, or ask me why I was sleeping there. The truth of it being that I truly wasn't attracted to him physically and not only that his lack of restraint when it came to his eating really repulsed me...I couldn't sit and watch him EAT himself to death. Being overweight already with sleep apnea, his constant smoking worsening his breathing and I am sure his heart function wasn't very good sure didn't bode well by adding whole boxes of donuts, 1 lb bags of chocolate covered peanuts, bottles of soda, and bags of licorice. (this was all in one sitting for the most part) The snacks varied everyday, and the fact that we were in debt and didn't have money for things didn't deter him from making sure his snacking and smoking needs were met. He didn't speak to me, didn't even acknowledge my presence or even the kids most days. When I confronted him about his deepening depression and unhealthy eating habits...and the fact that I was worried that someday I would come home from work and either a) he would be dead cause his heart just stopped , b) the sleep apnea would take him and the kids would find their dad dead in his bed, or c) our house would be on the news because he fell asleep with a ciggarette in his mouth and it burned our house and family up while I was at work. (he often fell asleep smoking and had burned himself on the chest and had burned holes in our mattress and blankets , rugs, sofa etc....because he would fall asleep at the drop of a hat) Take all this and add in a little verbal abuse for me and the kids who none of us ever did anything right and finally I had had enough, and it was time to go. I couldn't and wouldn't subject any of us to the constant day to day berating sessions, and ego crushing talk he spewed. I couldn't stand by one more time and see our kids accomplishments be crushed and overshadowed with comments like " great job, BUT......you could have done this better and you didn't do this right" Now why can't a compliment be given without a BUT? To me it just negates the Positive and doubles up the negative in a kids mind. I know it did for me.
During all of this time I had friends I confided in, who supported any decision I made and thought I was doing the right thing to get out of their...they had been around him enough to see the anti-social behaviors and lack of respect he has for anyone for that matter. By no means and I perfect, and I do have flaws and I know I didn't always handle situations the best, but I did at least TRY. I didn't always sit back and wait till the walls fall in around me so to speak.
One of my friends who is also my pharmacist, was always there with a kind ear and had been for many years since I moved here. I felt safe talking to him and the few other friends I trusted with such personal information. He was supportive and never once told me what to do, but offered any help he could. After talking to him several times he opened up to me about his failing and abusive marriage. (yes folks men can be abused by wives). We comforted one another, we listened to each other, and when I decided to make the move to leave...he was there to help us get out and made sure we were safe. He has always adored my children and I later found out that he thought I was a great mom who did everything for my kids to keep them safe, healthy and raising them to be good and upstanding people. We became closer as time went on and we like to think that God intervened and put an end to our individual suffering and brought us together to be happy for the rest of our lives.
I feel somedays like I am in a fairy tale. We are so happy together, and the kids have flourished like I could have never believed. They are becoming the children I have struggled to raise, and since I was not getting the support I should have they weren't being respectful of just about anyone. It just goes to prove that negative attention really overwhelms the positive stuff. So we are working hard now to double up the positive to overcome the negative that are in place, and we are hopeful that they will turn around with time, love, patience and consistency. It isn't always easy but it is getting better.
I have never felt loved, supported, encouraged, and respected in my life. I feel as if the real me is back from a far away land. I feel good in my skin.....my mind and heart have found peace. I only hope I afford him the same things and offer him solace from the past things he has been through. We have been told by so many people we know separately and together that we both LOOK HAPPY now. I never realized how Unhappy I must have looked. It had to be bad for it to be that noticeable. Our pastor asked him to replay our "love story" as she has never seen two people who are more in love and who truly appreciate and respect one another the way we do. I take that as a great compliment and great tribute to our love for each other.

So my life started anew, and I forsee only good things, peace, love and understanding for us both for the rest of our days.

Silly is as silly does!!

Been a good weekend so far....had last night off and have tonight off too. Scott is working tonight till 1am...:( Shelby is off at her Band trip in Indiana. I miss her alot, but I am glad she got to go and have some fun for a few days. She has been helping around here alot lately, especially since I hurt my back.
Oh I tried to dye my hair back to blonde today.....OMG it didn't even work!!! I left the color on for like an hour. It did lighten it up some and gave a few blonde highlights....but still pretty red/orange/pink. Gonna have to try the other stuff tonight...I might end up with freaking white hair!!! (just hope I don't end up bald)!!!
Not sure what to do at this point but I gotta get it back to normal color again somehow.

Loyalty

I am copying you Kathy....by saying Thank You and I love you to all my friends who stick by me through thick and thin....friends who love me for who I am.....friends who give me advice even though I don't want to hear it but I appreciate it after it is given. Sue, Angi, Kathy, Myra, Theresa & Sue K.(at work) You are all some of the best Friends and family a girl could ask for and I want to publicly Thank you all for sticking by me. You don't know what you mean to me and how much I cherish you all!!

Working at it....

Well so far so good on our "trying to make it work". If I didn't threaten to leave I am not sure if he would have ever come around and fought for our relationship. So I am looking at all this as a blessing in disguise. Trying to keep an open mind, open heart and not expect a total transformation overnight. Even today small changes have happened that make me feel positive and glad that I didn't just leave without telling him. That could have very well have been a very bad thing. So we talked and talked, vented, and ranted, yelled and screamed.....let out what we have both been bottling up for a long time and got it out in the open where it can be seen and dealt with on a mature level. It is never easy to tell someone you love that you don't like how they are acting or that you expect more from them. But sometimes we get complacent and take alot in our lives for granted and focus on things that are not as important as the state of a relationship. We both have to learn to listen to each other better and not only listening...but actually comprehending what the other has said is a huge part of it. We all read into things differently. So our new goal is to repeat what is said and to make sure we are understanding what is needed at that point. By doing this we don't leave anything open for misinterpretation.

So far so good....he actually did a few small things around the house today...which shows he is serious about helping me out. Slowly but surely I hope that we can get that magic back again we once had.

Thanks for reading and keeping us in your prayers and thoughts.

This picture is from the day we were married. Happy, Happy day in my life!! :)