Thoughts...lots of them!!

I guess I need to apologize for not blogging more regularly.   I need to get back to it, since it does help sometimes to sort things out and even helps to vent and get things off my chest to reduce stresses.
So here goes.....
The past few weeks have been stressful on many fronts.
1. I have been trying to get in the groove of exercising more regularly.   I know it is good for me, but really?   I don't want to do it, I am forcing myself to do it in hopes that someday it will become more pleasurable or at least tolerable and pay off in the end by making me toner, stronger and less stressed.
2. Dealing with the fact that my daughter is going to be 17 yrs old in just a couple of weeks, and I feel like a failure as a mom, because I overprotected her to the point that now, she can't wait to move out when she is 18 and with the knowledge that this is her wish.  I must let go and let God take care of her.  I have to let her stumble more and learn to pick herself up and brush herself off.  Which also scares me to death as I am worried that in protecting her, I didn't give her tools to know how to brush herself off if indeed she can pick herself up.   In the process I feel helpless, alone and very frustrated. Not knowing what the right thing to do when it comes to raising kids is.   I don't like feeling this way.
3. J.R. and I both being labeled and scrutinized in our church for "living in sin".   Yes you read that right...so stop wiping  your eyes.  LOL   Someone from our church expressed to our pastor that the fact that he and I are living together while we are not married, is a sin and we should not be allowed to be on committees or even to portray Mary & Joseph in the Christmas play tomorrow.   To back up a bit, we were asked to play these parts by our music director at church, and lately I have been feeling God working in my life and urging me to be more involved.  Especially in things that our children are involved in.   Two of our kids are playing roles and have speaking parts in the program.  
    When our pastor informed us of this persons concern, we backed out of the play, and haven't fought the fact that just because we are living together, doesn't mean that we haven't planned on getting married.  Yes..we do plan to marry as soon as J.R.'s divorce becomes final.  (which has been put off twice now due to cutbacks in the courts here, and bigger cases coming up for his lawyer....Divorces go to the bottom of the pile)    So yes you heard it here that we will marry as soon as we are able.   But, I don't want to give the people in our church who think we are not worthy of being an active part of our church the idea that we are doing it to appease them.   We have planned to be married for quite some time.
So that is one thing we are really struggling with, we don't know what the right thing to do is.   Do we stand up and fight this, seeing just how many people will back us up and not get our Pastor hurt in the process?   Or do we let it go and slip quietly into the background, all the while praying for those who struggle with the direction our church is going in.  (which by the way, I totally am for moving ahead and trying to Grow our church instead of killing it by being judgmental and unforgiving).
  
So those are just a few of the things we are struggling with lately.   Along with what I deem "hormonal changes" in me, it's just been kinda nuts.   LOL
J.R. works so hard, not only at his job, which by the way is becoming more and more intolerable due to the company trying to cut his staff when he doesn't have nearly enough staff as it is for the growth that he has single handedly brought in.   But, also the struggle of him taking care of his elderly father, who doesn't give a rats ass about him or anyone else.   He has been this way his whole life, taking from people and not giving back...expecting things to be done for him when in fact he doesn't even Thank anyone for doing anything for him.   It just goes to show the character that J.R. has, as he continues to try to do nice things, thoughtful things for his father and gets no sign of appreciation at all.  

One good thing that has happened is I called my mom after almost 1 full year of not talking to her due to judgments I felt she was making on me.  I was going through so many things that trying to deal with all of her things, that clearly she should be taking care of, were weighing on me and I just had to let go for awhile.   I called her because I wanted to, not because of guilt.  I just wanted her to know that I don't hate her, I do love her.  She is my mother, she gave me life, but I have also learned that boundaries need to be made in all relationships and I had never had any with her.   So I am hoping things can get better in that arena as well.

Okay, enough babbling.   In each of the things I am going through, I have constants in my life that are truly gracious and wonderful.   I have God whom I pray to daily that he can guide me to where he desires me to  be and take my hand and lead me on the path he has made for me.  
I also have J.R. and my children, who love me unconditionally.   Who listen to me, care about how I am feeling, give me great hugs to help me feel better and humble me every day.

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."- Harvey Fierstein

This quote was posted by my lovely friend Myra, who has been there through a ton of crap in my life and who always has the best advice and suggestions.   She prays for me, praises me and supports my babbling LOL, This quote spurred this post, and is making me think about what avenues we can take on some of these issues.