Working at it....

Well so far so good on our "trying to make it work". If I didn't threaten to leave I am not sure if he would have ever come around and fought for our relationship. So I am looking at all this as a blessing in disguise. Trying to keep an open mind, open heart and not expect a total transformation overnight. Even today small changes have happened that make me feel positive and glad that I didn't just leave without telling him. That could have very well have been a very bad thing. So we talked and talked, vented, and ranted, yelled and screamed.....let out what we have both been bottling up for a long time and got it out in the open where it can be seen and dealt with on a mature level. It is never easy to tell someone you love that you don't like how they are acting or that you expect more from them. But sometimes we get complacent and take alot in our lives for granted and focus on things that are not as important as the state of a relationship. We both have to learn to listen to each other better and not only listening...but actually comprehending what the other has said is a huge part of it. We all read into things differently. So our new goal is to repeat what is said and to make sure we are understanding what is needed at that point. By doing this we don't leave anything open for misinterpretation.

So far so good....he actually did a few small things around the house today...which shows he is serious about helping me out. Slowly but surely I hope that we can get that magic back again we once had.

Thanks for reading and keeping us in your prayers and thoughts.

This picture is from the day we were married. Happy, Happy day in my life!! :)

Crying....

It's been a hectic day already, it's 3pm here and I have gone through a bunch of papers and kept what is mine and threw out what was no good. Boy 9 yrs can accumulate alot of stuff. I've been trying to find a place to live today....got an appointment to see a house for rent tomorrow so keeping my fingers crossed on that one. I let go of my foolish pride today and called our pastor...she is such a wonderful woman. I got on the phone with her and I just bawled like a baby....not sure what brought that on but it is the first "big" cry I have had since all this has started. I think me being angry at him and feeling like he just gave up on us, and didn't feel we were important enough to work at it.....really kept me kinda numb, sure I was feeling sad and upset that all this has happened...but the anger really kept all the other feelings buried a bit. So today was the first time I cried real hard and realized that 9 yrs of a marriage that I have worked so hard at, and a family that I was so proud of....has just gone down the tubes. It's over, I dont' know if it is the anger, frustration, or simply that I can't believe he would let this go by the way side like this that has me not having feelings for him right now. I feel resentful and I feel like I totally dont' know who he is anymore. I trusted him completely and after finding some internet sites he has visited lately....I honestly don't know who he is. I do know he has been looking up lawyer sites on the internet....trying to find a divorce lawyer I guess. That is fine by me....One less thing I have to pay for. I wonder if he will try to get custody of the kids? I honestly don't think a judge would let him have too much since he isn't very responsible and wont' even take care of himself. I don't want things to be nasty and dragged out. I want to solve it amicably and I would never keep him from the kids unless I thought they would be in danger. I just think that if he doesn't start taking care of himself....he isn't going to be long for this world at all....I see people go downhill very fast in my line of work...and it is a sad, sad thing to see. Especially when they are younger people.....(yep Younger people come to nursing homes too...) Well like I have been saying, I can't make him go to the doctor and get help, I can't make him happy....I can only be responsible for my happiness and for the safety, well being and happiness of our kids. That is what I intend to do...make a good life for them no matter what it takes.
I read my daughters blog earlier and I felt bad that she thought we were splitting up cause of her....and that couldn't be further from the truth. I just hate that she thinks that way. I will do all I can to reassure her that it was between the two of us and had nothing to do with them. I know that when my parents divorced....we thought it was our fault too but, my mom always told us it wasn't and let us know that sometimes grown ups just can't live together....so that is why they lived apart. I know it gave me great comfort to know that they loved us and wanted the best for us and didn't want us to grow up with them fighting and them being miserable staying together just for us. That is alot to put on a kid. And I won't do that to mine.
Thanks for reading....any comments please let me know what you think...

Anxiety and Stress

Anxiety and Stress...does one cause the other or are they so similar that they have similar effects? I feel as if I have so much of both right now and I really can't seem to distinguish one from the other. I don't want anymore....I want and need happiness and contentment. Peace and harmony. I know life is always going to present challenges that are stressful or anxiety ridden...I want the regular everyday stuff...the "normal" stresses and stuff. Letting go will be so nice...I just know it. I look forward to that day. I look forward to the changes in my life, and in my kids lives especially. I want them to be so happy....and to have a mom who is much more at peace and ease. I am looking forward to the future!! And learning from the past, I refuse to give up who I am for anyone anymore....if someone doesn't like the way I am or the person I am or my beliefs then they aren't good enough to be in my life. I am very accepting of other people and always have been...perhaps to a fault. I am a good person....I deserve to get the respect and love I give out in return.

WHY?

Why can't it be easier to leave your husband? Why can't I get out of here sooner. Why must I endure the silence and heartache I feel every time I look around me at what WE created? Why does it cost so much up front to move? Why? Why? Why?
So many whys....and no answers to the questions. Not for lack of looking for answers. I don't know if it is because he is home today (a day off work), and the fact that I am off as well...but I just don't want to be here. I want to move now. I want to get my life better, get my finances in line better. With him being off work for almost 2 full years really has messed things up in the credit dept. Most times we barely had money for food....the old saying , "robbing Peter to pay Paul" Really got a new meaning. I hate it. I hate living day to day, minute to minute. Why can't it be easier to break free from an awful situation? This must be one of the "down" days I have heard about from those who I know who have travelled this road before. I just feel trapped, alone and extremely sad. I want my own place.....I want my kids to see happiness in my face again.....I want to feel comfortable in my own home.
I just wish I could get a loan for a few thousand dollars.....I know this would totally get me going in my own place, and I could get things on track and into a more "normal" place. But alas, credit sucks....bank doesn't care that I am miserable here....that I would be using the money to start a new life for me and my children. To house, feed and take care of us. I feel as if there isn't anyone I can even ask to help with this. I don't like to ask for help...call it pride, call it stubborn ....whatever you call it I just hate doing it. Being self sufficient is something I have always prided myself on.
I need to move on now.....right now.....some say fools rush in, but fools also stay in miserable situations.....so I guess either way I look the fool. I don't care....Just get me and my wonderfully sensitive kids out of here and into a place of our own real soon.

I have made a big decision in my life.....I made this decision for the good of me and my kids. I am leaving my husband. Wow..that is the first time I have actually typed it out like that...I have worded it differently etc, but never just came right out and said it. We have been married for 9 years the beginning they were happy years even when we had tough times we were still "connected" so to speak. But over the past few years things have slowly taken a turn...(as I have written in previous posts about). We have grown apart, we aren't on the same page in fact we are in totally different books!! I have tried and tried to talk to him about needs, wants desires in life. To only get a blank stare back at me. Or to be told that it is all in my head. Well obviously there is an issue whether it is "only in my head" or not. I Feel this way and he can't even validate that I am having these feelings for whatever reason that may be. I have always tried to be open and let him know how I feel. When I do this he shuts down, gets defensive and/or walks away. I have come right out and told him that I am not happy. I have told him some things that have attributed to me having these feelings and again I get him becoming defensive, and walking away telling me "you do your thing and I will do mine" !! Well guess what? That doesn't make a marriage, a partnership or even good friends. When I asked if he still loved me....his reply was (first a big pause as if he had to think long and hard about it) *red flag number one* and 2nd was he said..."I don't like you very much". I think that finally set my mind to considering leaving. I also asked if he wanted me to leave and find someplace for me our kids to live.....to which I got no reply...just staring into space and ignoring me, tears and all. So it is with a heavy but hopeful heart that I am going to find someplace to live for me and the kids.....I have to make them and myself happy again. I know they feel and sense the stress and for me that is not acceptable anymore. I want and need more in a relationship. So the honeymoon is over but Life Still Goes ON!! I will pull myself up and make it work for us. I will make a good life for me and my children. I can no longer feel like I have to be responsible for anyone elses happiness. So goes our Life In the Silly Lane.

Ramblings, thoughts and concerns.

Been a few days since I have blogged, have been meaning to but so much stuff going on in my head I just don't know how I will ever sort it all out. Scott is still not talking to me....I could probably count the number of words he has said to me since last week and still not reach 100. This makes me sad as the only time he says something is when he needs something. I have been making sure his lunch is made each day when he comes home from work and I don't even get a Thanks for making my lunch anymore. He used to wake me up before he left for work to kiss me and say I love you....well that has stopped completely. Two nights ago he was scheduled to work till 8pm and didn't get home till after 9:30pm. When I asked what happened, and why he was so late....he just mumbled that he stayed late at work....which has never happened the entire time he has worked there. He usually can't wait to get out of there. I hate to doubt him as he has never given me reason to before....but......what am I supposed to think when he is over 90 minutes late getting home and I don't even get a phone call to say he was going to be late. As far as I knew he could have been in an accident or something could have happened to him at work and they hadn't contacted me yet.....I just didn't know what to think. I told him as much too, that I couldn't believe he didn't think I was worth a 2 second phone call to let me know he was working late. Anytime I was going to be more than a few minutes late I called home to let them know not to worry and I would be home as soon as I could.
I feel lost...I don't know what to think anymore. I ask myself so many questions and don't have answers because he either can't or won't answer those questions. In my mind I believe I deserve answers....I deserve to know what is going to happen to us....will this pass and we figure things out and get on with out lives together? Or will it come to the point where we just have to go our separate ways and move on?? I worry about his health but he doesn't seem to care that it worries me, and he doesn't show any concern over his health at all. I can't stand walking around this house not communicating with him. I know the kids sense the tension. I don't want them to sense tension. It isn't fair for them.
I keep wondering about the little things he does that are bothering me now, did he always do these things and I just overlooked them to keep the peace, hoping that someday he would change those habits and want to please me as I changed things about myself to please him. I guess we should never do that for someone....but in part I think everyone does that to some degree, even if it is a little thing. I think my biggest issue is that I am "expected" to take care of it all.....I am "expected" to just keep overlooking things and keep feeling lower and lower about myself and losing myself deeper and deeper. We all deserve to be happy!! NO matter what it is that makes us that way. Everyone has different needs....and when I have expressed those needs I have and things I would like and try to pry out of him things that he feels he is lacking....I get no answer from him, And....I get no support with the needs I have. I am told that I am crazy and it's all in my head, and that what I think, say or do is stupid or not important. I would never say that to anyone. If I made someone feel inferior with something they said I honestly don't mean it that way...at times I played the devils advocate on ideas that he has had.....(mostly get rich quick schemes ). I believe you have to work hard to earn things..and there is no "easy way" to make money and not do anything. I try to be supportive and encouraging....which I don't always feel is reciprocated towards me. We are both to blame for getting to where we are now....and I accept anything I have done to make him feel the way he feels....(if he would tell me how that is exactly I could try to fix it). But when you don't know what you did wrong...how can you make it right?
Okay I have just rambled on and on here.....dont' know if I even make sense...just so many thoughts in my head and so many things that run around in my brain......since I am not getting any confirmations or denials my mind goes off on tangents and I automatically think of worst case scenarios. Is this not a normal reaction? Or am I totally off my rocker?
enough for now....please any comments are always welcome the more input I get the better I can work to figure this out...perhaps there is an approach I haven't tried yet.
Thanks for reading...