Been a few days since I have blogged, have been meaning to but so much stuff going on in my head I just don't know how I will ever sort it all out. Scott is still not talking to me....I could probably count the number of words he has said to me since last week and still not reach 100. This makes me sad as the only time he says something is when he needs something. I have been making sure his lunch is made each day when he comes home from work and I don't even get a Thanks for making my lunch anymore. He used to wake me up before he left for work to kiss me and say I love you....well that has stopped completely. Two nights ago he was scheduled to work till 8pm and didn't get home till after 9:30pm. When I asked what happened, and why he was so late....he just mumbled that he stayed late at work....which has never happened the entire time he has worked there. He usually can't wait to get out of there. I hate to doubt him as he has never given me reason to before....but......what am I supposed to think when he is over 90 minutes late getting home and I don't even get a phone call to say he was going to be late. As far as I knew he could have been in an accident or something could have happened to him at work and they hadn't contacted me yet.....I just didn't know what to think. I told him as much too, that I couldn't believe he didn't think I was worth a 2 second phone call to let me know he was working late. Anytime I was going to be more than a few minutes late I called home to let them know not to worry and I would be home as soon as I could.
I feel lost...I don't know what to think anymore. I ask myself so many questions and don't have answers because he either can't or won't answer those questions. In my mind I believe I deserve answers....I deserve to know what is going to happen to us....will this pass and we figure things out and get on with out lives together? Or will it come to the point where we just have to go our separate ways and move on?? I worry about his health but he doesn't seem to care that it worries me, and he doesn't show any concern over his health at all. I can't stand walking around this house not communicating with him. I know the kids sense the tension. I don't want them to sense tension. It isn't fair for them.
I keep wondering about the little things he does that are bothering me now, did he always do these things and I just overlooked them to keep the peace, hoping that someday he would change those habits and want to please me as I changed things about myself to please him. I guess we should never do that for someone....but in part I think everyone does that to some degree, even if it is a little thing. I think my biggest issue is that I am "expected" to take care of it all.....I am "expected" to just keep overlooking things and keep feeling lower and lower about myself and losing myself deeper and deeper. We all deserve to be happy!! NO matter what it is that makes us that way. Everyone has different needs....and when I have expressed those needs I have and things I would like and try to pry out of him things that he feels he is lacking....I get no answer from him, And....I get no support with the needs I have. I am told that I am crazy and it's all in my head, and that what I think, say or do is stupid or not important. I would never say that to anyone. If I made someone feel inferior with something they said I honestly don't mean it that way...at times I played the devils advocate on ideas that he has had.....(mostly get rich quick schemes ). I believe you have to work hard to earn things..and there is no "easy way" to make money and not do anything. I try to be supportive and encouraging....which I don't always feel is reciprocated towards me. We are both to blame for getting to where we are now....and I accept anything I have done to make him feel the way he feels....(if he would tell me how that is exactly I could try to fix it). But when you don't know what you did wrong...how can you make it right?
Okay I have just rambled on and on here.....dont' know if I even make sense...just so many thoughts in my head and so many things that run around in my brain......since I am not getting any confirmations or denials my mind goes off on tangents and I automatically think of worst case scenarios. Is this not a normal reaction? Or am I totally off my rocker?
enough for now....please any comments are always welcome the more input I get the better I can work to figure this out...perhaps there is an approach I haven't tried yet.
Thanks for reading...
2 comments:
This is my thought:
What type of relationship do you want your children to strive for when they get older? What type of relationship do you want them to be involved in? Children learn by example, and maybe this is what you need to think about in terms of decision-making where your relationship is concerned.
Not easy, believe me. I'm going through the same thing right now and I'm about ready to blow my stack from frustration. All I know is that this is not what I want for my daughter when she gets older, so I need to start giving her a better example.
Hang in there, girl. You are bright, intelligent, witty, beautiful, and a damn good blogger...you'll figure things out. :)
Thanks Myra...just very scary and I am NOT afraid of being alone...been there, done that....I just get scared for my kids and making it financially on my own. But things work out the way they are supposed to and I agree I don't want my kids to emulate our relationship issues...I want them to have healthy, happy and respectful relationships. Thanks again..you always make me feel better. :)
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