Questions & Wishes

Why does married life have to be so complicated?? If we love someone, why do we have to add drama to the mix? I have to admit that amongst all the "difficult" things I thought I have encountered in my 42 yrs of living...this has to be the hardest by far. I just don't get why two people can't love each other, respect each other, listen to each other, and communicate needs and be heard. Why does it have to be so damn complicated? Should be easier right? Well it just isn't.....Especially when only one person in the duo wants to talk, figure out problems, and do the work essentially. This is where I feel I am at right now......how did we get here? Why doesn't he talk to me? Why can't he let his feelings out and tell me exactly what to do or what he needs to be more happy? I can't be responsible for someone elses happiness right? But am I not part of what makes someone else "unhappy"? If this is the case then there has to be some sort of compromise right? When there is no compromising on things, I believe resentment occurs and if there is resentment then will the love be lost and destined to be doomed forever? Does being a faithful, honest and loving person not count for anything? When you feel as if you are walking on shards of glass (not just eggshells anymore), then what happens??? When do you give in and say "it's over?" Do I want it to be over? NO...I sure don't. Do I want to conform and become a robot essentially and do all I can to make the other person happy, risking my own happiness??? I can't do that...I would not ask another person to do that for me. I would not expect that from someone. Then why do I feel as if it is Expected of me?? I could be totally wrong though and perhaps it isn't expected but I don't know because communication has broken down.....I try to open it back up, to no avail. I feel alone, lonely, scared, and honestly just very sad about the whole situation. I buck up and make nice for my children....I refuse to fight in front of them....but not talking is just as bad I think. When you know someone else won't seek help or even participate in help....how do we fix it? I just don't know....I wish I had answers.....I wish I knew how to fix it.......I wish I could be happy again......I wish!!

Busy days

As the title implies...I have had a busy day. Not much sleep has invaded my body in the past 24 hours. Worked all night, home at 7:30am, drive kids to school by 8am, come home and check email quick, get in bed and finally fall asleep by aprox. 9:30am.......awakened by hubby at 10:30am to let me know I have to drive him to work.....Kids have 1/2 day of school today...it's the last day!! I tell him to take his first break at work at 1pm and come home and get me so I can get some more sleep. Fall back to sleep FINALLY at about 11:15am....sleep till 12:30pm...get up & take a shower, get dressed & make shopping list. Hubby arrives at 1:05pm and I drive him back to work then pick up the kids. Drop kids off at home, go to grocery store for weekly shopping. (of course I forgot a few things too...LOL) Bring home groceries and put them away. Surprised to find oldest daughter cleaning the house...with music blaring. Was a nice surprise actually....dusted, vaccuumed and dishes all washed and put away. Nice!! It is now 2:45pm, have to go pick up hubby again for him to come home for lunch break. No wonder why we go through so much gas just driving around this small town we live in. sheesh!!! 3pm I run back to the store to pick up the coffee creamer and a couple of other things I forgot the first trip. Oldest daughter goes off to babysit at 4:30pm, son goes to sleep over a friends house at 5:30pm (we skipped out on baseball tonight....mom is just too tired). 6:00pm youngest daughter and I eat supper together ...hot dogs and beans YUMMY!! So here I sit at 6:30pm typing in my blog, belly full of hot dogs and beans and iced green tea, with daughter (scraped elbow and all...poor baby) sitting in my bedroom watching 2 1/2 men on TV. Now....should I try to take a nap? Or should I try to stay up? This is the question of the day. I am tired but awake. I know that sounds strange but it is just how I feel right now. I have to work tonight 11pm-7am....and I just know if I don't get some sort of rest between now and then....I will be sooo tired by the time midnight rolls around I will struggle the rest of the night. I have tomorrow night and Saturday night off....I just wish I could take tonight off too. I really do need it. The stress I have been feeling is just crazy lately. But this I will have to explain on a later post.
Melissa Over and out!!

Mohawk Chronicles

Woke with a tension headache today, had a rough day yesterday. Scott and I got into it after I took the kids to school. He is so stubborn...and I sometimes think he is wanting to pick a fight over something stupid. Yesterday it was because the night before I had told our son Ryan that I was going to cut his hair...it's getting hot out and we usually give him a buzz cut at the start of summer so it is easier for him to take care of and he doesn't get so hot. Well he is almost 9 now and has an opinion on how he wants to look. So...we settled on a mohawk. Now, mind you it is summertime, and he is 9 yrs old....it's fun to have funky hair when you are a kid. Well he liked it after I did it, and he even let his older sister Shelby put some gel in it and spike it up. The kids were in bed and asleep before Scott got home from work that night, so he didn't see his hair. I didn't mention it as I didn't think it was important and I was busy getting things ready for myself to leave for work.

Anyway....the next morning I come home from work and Ryan is pouting and putting on a hooded sweatshirt and pulling the hood up over his head. So I ask him..."What's wrong buddy?" He says....."I am covering up my head cause all the kids are going to laugh at me". Mind you he was fine with his hair the night before and was excited about showing it off. I told him that we didn't have time to shave the rest off now but if he still felt that way when he got home we could do that. I took him to school and came home, and right away Scott starts in on me..."Why did you cut his hair like that?" I explained how the night before went....and told him, "Relax, it's only hair for goodness sakes..." To which he replies...."only hair? Then cut your own damn hair into a mohawk, not MY sons hair". I was flabbergasted at his outburst over Hair!!! So that started the fight...which progressed into several other subjects some of which are him not taking care of himself.....(he refuses to go to the doctor even though he admits he is depressed). About the chores around the house and how I am left to do EVERYTHING around here and work a full time job when all he does is works full time. To which his answer was that he tried to do stuff but he doesn't do it the way I like it done so he doesn't bother anymore. This is BULL.....he doesn't help unless I ask him specifically to do something, and even that doesn't get done right away.....he procrastinates and I swear he knows if I ask him to do something and he sits around long enough....I will end up doing it cause I am just that way. He knows it....I have explained to him that if I ask for something to be done, it's because it should be done now,....not 3 days from now. I know..I know I am a control freak !! I can't help how I am, and I am really working on not being so OCD about the house being clean and stuff. You can ask my kids and my friends....I have come a long way with that. It isn't easy.

Okay so back to the mohawk chronicles....(which I have aptly named this post).LOL After Ryan came home from school I shaved off the rest of his hair....he wasn't too happy, but gosh darn it....Dad was happy. Glad I got pics of the mohawk before I cut it off...LOL Isn't he cute?? :)

Why do men suck?

Okay so this will be a rant and rave session just to warn you.
Tonight hubby comes home and says..."I thought I told you not to let the kids use the computer". I was like...."ummm..well Shelby asked if she could check her email and the library is closed today, so I let her check it, didn't see any harm in it". Well he went off..."well you don't care what I say....you just don't listen.." Blah, blah, blah is basically what I heard. I know that isn't nice but dang it...I am so tired of him being so bitchy....yep I said bitchy. The man needs anti-depressants or something cause it is annoying me. There are so many other more important things he could be worrying about instead of if one of the kids wer e on the computer.

Tired

Tired of being tired...that is what I am lately. Hoping for some burst of energy someplace....but it just doesn't come. I should feel energized, but I don't. The sun has been out for days, except today it rained but it was needed. Perhaps I am lacking vitamin D. Night shift really is hard sometimes. I think much harder than I would willfully admit. Weekends that I work sometimes are so long and draining. Thank goodness just one more night and I get a night off. I feel as if I am either always at work or sleeping. I think a Vacation is in order sometime in the near future. Don't you think??

A great gift...

I am in awe on a daily basis of what a wonder children are. I was so excited to see this, my 5 yr old typing stories on our extra computer. It isn't hooked up to the internet and it has limited game playing activities...so it is basically used for the kids to write stories or us the Paint program. I am so blessed to have children that love to read, draw, and write stories. So many times I worry that I am letting them watch too much TV and play too many video games. As I said in a previous blog I am not a perfect parent and yes I will admit that I let them watch way too much TV and play too many video games. But, I also think that they need these experiences in order to make choices. I believe it helps to encourage creativity to introduce them to all kinds of media. My son loves video games, but he loves playing outdoor sports just as much, he seems to have a balance that alot of kids don't have ...they are either one way or the other (active or not so much) nowadays. I often wish I had half of the energy that they have the go till they drop....but that was one of the best things being a kid.....going till you drop and getting up and doing it all over again. Worries and cares are not an issue.....they just PLAY and laugh and have fun.

I have been trying to PLAY more lately as well....I have heard the saying about what would your headstone say if you died today? Do I want mine to say...."she kept a clean house but didn't know how to laugh?" NO....I don't. I want mine to say "Wife, Mother, sister, friend....always there, always cared.....lots of fun you will be missed dearly". Is that a bit ego inflating? Well maybe it is....I want to make my mark on this world just like anyone......I want it to be a positive mark and something to be remembered. Even if it is only by a few very special people.

Who am I?

It's 2:52pm, I have been inspired to start a blog. Not really sure what all I will put in here. I think it is good to be able to get things out of my head to clear the way for more important things. As I tend to dwell on things I have no control over...I might as well drop them here and deal with them as I choose. I will warn you that I do tend to ramble on and on, and if things don't make sense right then and there, hopefully someday it comes full circle and all is explained.

I feel as if I have several paths I am walking down lately. Trying to make headway on all of them however isn't an easy task. So perhaps blogging will help me to whittle down the number of paths and make some headway in one direction or another. (if that makes sense to anyone).

Since I have named this entry "Who am I?" I guess I should tell a bit about myself huh?

I am a 42 yr old married woman with 3 kids and 2 dogs, living in small town Iowa. Originally from Boston. I have been married for 9 yrs. Not always blissfully but for the majority "happily". I was a stay at home mom for a few years and then decided that I should go to school and start a career at the age of 39. I went to CNA classes and got my license and I am now a CNA in a long term care dept. of our local county hospital. I mentioned 3 kids, they are a daughter age 15, a son age 8 (almost 9), and a daughter age 5 (almost 6). They are my greatest accomplishments in life. I sometimes sit in awe and wonder that my husband and I could create such wonderful little people. They are all truly "good kids". Of course we are not perfect parents and they aren't perfect children but if we all were....this would be the Stepford Family and life would be a bit boring don't you think?

So I mentioned before about many paths I am on now in my life.....I will get into those in more depth in subsequent blogs. Gotta keep you coming back now don't I? :)

Messing with my head....

So I have been trying to set up this whole blog thing....so many things to read and consider when setting it up. What do I want it to look like? What message do I want to get across? I am not even sure my first post even posted...how silly is that? I just hope I did it right, I guess with time I will figure it out. Now back to your regularly scheduled life.......check back in though you just never know how SILLY things can get around here.