The Day After......

It's December 26th and the house is so quiet.   All the gifts have been opened, wrapping paper cleaned up and thrown away.  Clothes in the washer, legos built, dolls have been rocked and fed, and burped, guitar has been tuned and strummed till blisters form on her fingers.   What a joyous time in our house.  This year we didn't go overboard like we did last year.   It was nice to keep it simple, and we encouraged the children to take their time opening each gift.   In years past it was like a Tazmanian devil flew into the living room and tore all the paper from the gifts, leaving a heap of refuse that mom was to clean up.   This year, each child picked a gift, they waited patiently as the other opened and read the card, and actually digested who this gift was from and why they think they got it.  Thank you's abounded, which was a welcome gift as well.  

The kids were so Thankful for each thing they got, it made me feel good in my heart.  We smiled and laughed and enjoyed the time together.  JR had to run out to his dad's to brings gifts to him, and also since it was his usual  time to go and bring his medicine for the following week, and do any chores that he needed done, he was off in the snow.   The kids and I stayed inside all warm, they played with their toys, and we watched a movie.  Just hanging out was fun and relaxing.   I did some laundry, and when JR came home, I fixed us dinner of Ham w/ cherry sauce, green beans and baked potatoes.   Dinner was yummy, by then everyone was so tired, (the kids had been up since 4:30am!!)    Bedtime came and heads hit pillows.  No nightmares, just sweet dreams.  

Poor Ryan woke this morning vomiting and hurting in the tummy.   :(   I felt just awful as today their dad was coming to pick them up for a 2 night overnight visit.   He tried and tried to NOT feel nauseas, I gave him some ginger ale and left it up to his dad if he could go with him.   He went, I called a bit ago and he was doing just fine.  Had some Gatorade, but hadn't eaten a bite yet.   NO vomiting so hopefully when he does eat he can keep it all down.   I feel so bad when they are sick and worse when they aren't here with me to watch over them.  

So, all that is left in the house till Tuesday, is Shelby, JR and myself.   So weird and strange being this quiet, I want to make  noise!!   Jump up and down or something....LOL    Well not really, but you get what I mean.  ;)

Oh well....I've finished up the laundry, there isn't anything else needing to be washed, our tree is even down as it was so dry that we had to take it down right after opening gifts yesterday.   It was crazy scary how all the needles just feel in a heap on the floor.   Talk about a fire hazard.   Scary stuff.   But, it is down and all cleaned up.  Our next thing will be on Wednesday for Shelby's 17th birthday!!   I can't believe it, they are all growing up so darn fast.    It's hard to let go....but that is a post for another day!!

Have a fantastic Holiday weekend....Keep it simple...enjoy just being together!!

2 more days till Christmas!!

This is probably not the best time to start a diet, but oh well....I can't stand it anymore.  My weight has been just going up and up.   So back to the Low Carb living for me.    I started on December 21st, weighing in at a whopping 279 lbs.   after just two days I am down 5 lbs.  YAY!   I know I won't get big losses like this all the time, but I will take them when I do!!  

Kids are getting excited for Christmas to come.  I got all the shopping done finally, and now to wrap things will be the harder part, but still will be fun.   I think a glass of my favorite Red Wine and some holiday music and I will be ready to go!!!    The kids are going to see their dad on Sunday till Tuesday.   He is still homeless, but he gets a motel room here in town for the couple of days to be with them.    The kids have really struggled alot with him being out of work and homeless.  I would think that he would want them feel some sort of security knowing that he had a job and a place of his own no matter how small it was.   Elizabeth has struggled the most I think about it all.   I feel just awful, she gets so upset over it.

I need to sit and write him a letter, and let him know all these things, I just don't want him to take anything out on the kids.   I think while they are gone with him I will write it, and give it to him when he brings them home.   I know he still thinks that J.R. is the reason why I left him, but it isn't....it was more a timing thing.  I left and J.R. came into my life right at the same time.   Whether he believes it or not...that is how it happened.  

I am hoping that J.R.'s divorce can become final real soon....and hopefully I will have lost a lot of weight so I can feel beautiful on our wedding day!!    I know that JR thinks I am beautiful no matter what, but I want to FEEL it inside myself again.  
Okay enough rambling for today....I am thinking that after I lose about 25 lbs I am going to take some pictures, ( I have already taken before shots)...so I can compare how I look.
I am hoping that the exercises that I do for my back and strengthening my core will help tone up lots of areas as well.

Thoughts...lots of them!!

I guess I need to apologize for not blogging more regularly.   I need to get back to it, since it does help sometimes to sort things out and even helps to vent and get things off my chest to reduce stresses.
So here goes.....
The past few weeks have been stressful on many fronts.
1. I have been trying to get in the groove of exercising more regularly.   I know it is good for me, but really?   I don't want to do it, I am forcing myself to do it in hopes that someday it will become more pleasurable or at least tolerable and pay off in the end by making me toner, stronger and less stressed.
2. Dealing with the fact that my daughter is going to be 17 yrs old in just a couple of weeks, and I feel like a failure as a mom, because I overprotected her to the point that now, she can't wait to move out when she is 18 and with the knowledge that this is her wish.  I must let go and let God take care of her.  I have to let her stumble more and learn to pick herself up and brush herself off.  Which also scares me to death as I am worried that in protecting her, I didn't give her tools to know how to brush herself off if indeed she can pick herself up.   In the process I feel helpless, alone and very frustrated. Not knowing what the right thing to do when it comes to raising kids is.   I don't like feeling this way.
3. J.R. and I both being labeled and scrutinized in our church for "living in sin".   Yes you read that right...so stop wiping  your eyes.  LOL   Someone from our church expressed to our pastor that the fact that he and I are living together while we are not married, is a sin and we should not be allowed to be on committees or even to portray Mary & Joseph in the Christmas play tomorrow.   To back up a bit, we were asked to play these parts by our music director at church, and lately I have been feeling God working in my life and urging me to be more involved.  Especially in things that our children are involved in.   Two of our kids are playing roles and have speaking parts in the program.  
    When our pastor informed us of this persons concern, we backed out of the play, and haven't fought the fact that just because we are living together, doesn't mean that we haven't planned on getting married.  Yes..we do plan to marry as soon as J.R.'s divorce becomes final.  (which has been put off twice now due to cutbacks in the courts here, and bigger cases coming up for his lawyer....Divorces go to the bottom of the pile)    So yes you heard it here that we will marry as soon as we are able.   But, I don't want to give the people in our church who think we are not worthy of being an active part of our church the idea that we are doing it to appease them.   We have planned to be married for quite some time.
So that is one thing we are really struggling with, we don't know what the right thing to do is.   Do we stand up and fight this, seeing just how many people will back us up and not get our Pastor hurt in the process?   Or do we let it go and slip quietly into the background, all the while praying for those who struggle with the direction our church is going in.  (which by the way, I totally am for moving ahead and trying to Grow our church instead of killing it by being judgmental and unforgiving).
  
So those are just a few of the things we are struggling with lately.   Along with what I deem "hormonal changes" in me, it's just been kinda nuts.   LOL
J.R. works so hard, not only at his job, which by the way is becoming more and more intolerable due to the company trying to cut his staff when he doesn't have nearly enough staff as it is for the growth that he has single handedly brought in.   But, also the struggle of him taking care of his elderly father, who doesn't give a rats ass about him or anyone else.   He has been this way his whole life, taking from people and not giving back...expecting things to be done for him when in fact he doesn't even Thank anyone for doing anything for him.   It just goes to show the character that J.R. has, as he continues to try to do nice things, thoughtful things for his father and gets no sign of appreciation at all.  

One good thing that has happened is I called my mom after almost 1 full year of not talking to her due to judgments I felt she was making on me.  I was going through so many things that trying to deal with all of her things, that clearly she should be taking care of, were weighing on me and I just had to let go for awhile.   I called her because I wanted to, not because of guilt.  I just wanted her to know that I don't hate her, I do love her.  She is my mother, she gave me life, but I have also learned that boundaries need to be made in all relationships and I had never had any with her.   So I am hoping things can get better in that arena as well.

Okay, enough babbling.   In each of the things I am going through, I have constants in my life that are truly gracious and wonderful.   I have God whom I pray to daily that he can guide me to where he desires me to  be and take my hand and lead me on the path he has made for me.  
I also have J.R. and my children, who love me unconditionally.   Who listen to me, care about how I am feeling, give me great hugs to help me feel better and humble me every day.

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."- Harvey Fierstein

This quote was posted by my lovely friend Myra, who has been there through a ton of crap in my life and who always has the best advice and suggestions.   She prays for me, praises me and supports my babbling LOL, This quote spurred this post, and is making me think about what avenues we can take on some of these issues.

Praying for Grace

I have many wishes, wants, desires.   My biggest wish lately is for my kids to figure out how to deal with the anger they hold inside and to help them to deal with it in a constructive and loving way.   I pray a lot on this subject, and quite frankly I don't know if I am asking for the right things.   For instance if you pray for patience, your patience will be tested at every turn, but if you pray for grace you will receive the tools to cope and deal with situations that are challenging.   I wish I had the grace to help my two youngest kids to help them to cope with the emotions and conflicts they are dealing with.  

I know most of it comes from their dad and I divorcing this past year.   They have shared with me that they are angry that their dad doesn't call them, or see them.   They slowly inform me of things that went on during visits with their dad.   It makes me so sad to hear these things.   I want nothing more than to protect them, and I feel helpless when they tell me these things.

I believe that honesty with them about the state of the relationship between their father and I is a positive thing.  I never talk badly about him, but instead I tell them that their dad really does love them, but has made some choices that weren't very positive.    As of this day, my ex is not only unemployed, but he is also homeless and living in his car.   I was so sad when my youngest Elizabeth age 7 informed me that, her dad lives in his car.   Why should this ever be in their vocabulary?   They feel anger, they feel sadness, they feel betrayed by him.   My son told me after he calmed down from an outburst this weekend, that he is struggling.   My son struggles with being loyal to his dad and the desire to look up to him, and knowing that J.R. is a wonderful man and wanting to model his life and choices after J.R. and not his own father.    How difficult this must be for a boy of 10.   I can only imagine the pain this causes in his little heart.   He told us that he is choosing to look up to J.R. and model his life after him.   He respects him, he loves him , and he knows in his heart that J.R. love him and respects him as if he were his own flesh and blood.    Knowing this helps my heart to feel better, but still my kids struggle.  
So tonight when I pray, I will pray again for Grace to help my children let go of the anger, love their father as Jesus does, and forgive him as I have, and move forward with their lives.  Pursuing dreams and wishing on rainbows like children should.  

"God always gives you all the grace you need.   So you will only have to suffer for a little while. Then God himself will build you up again. He will make you strong and steady. And he has chosen you to share in his eternal glory because you belong to Christ"
1 Peter 5:10 (NIRV)

God is in this house!!!

I truly believe that GOD is intervening all over our lives in the most blatant ways this week.   I am seeing it everywhere I turn.   Not only with the nudge to create this group for moms and daughters that I mentioned earlier.  But, with out health and our eating habits.   Now, it has been a long time since Shelby has had anyone stay the night, let alone the weekend.   Of all her friends the one she picks is a Vegetarian.   Now really...I see that as a GOD sighting because it is making us aware of what I have been feeding us lately.   I love food, there is no doubt about it.   But my desire to lose weight also is a priority that fights with food for top spot on a daily, no hourly basis.    Eating healthier is on our minds more, and that is a great thing.  I love that GOD is here with us, and he is guiding our steps so vividly.   Praise the Lord!!


"With all my heart, I will praise the LORD.
Let all who are helpless, listen and be glad."
Psalm 34:2 (CEV)

Friday nights at home

Tonight is no ordinary Friday night at home, so far it's been a Quiet Friday night.  With Ryan sleeping over his friends house across the street, Shelby has a girlfriend sleeping over for the weekend and Elizabeth tagging along with the two teen girls.  J.R. and I find ourselves enjoying the quiet as we sit at the kitchen table, each of us on our laptops, enjoying a Bud Light Lime in a frosted mug, and eating some salad I prepared earlier in the day.   Ahhhh...these are the moments I look forward to.  Just time to take a breath after a busy day.  

Today I did quite a bit when I went out, it was so cold outside and windy.  I had some flat slip on shoes on with my Jeggings....(Jean leggings...LOL).   When I went to Walmart I bought myself some socks and a pair of those "fake Ugg boots" they sell for under 20 bucks.   My feet have been toasty warm all day since then and I was loving it!!   Loved them so much I went back later after the kids got out of school and got the girls each a pair, and bought Ryan a pair of real nice all weather hiking boots for only 20 dollars on clearance.  I love it when I find bargains!!!  

So Shelby's friend that is spending the weekend, is vegetarian.   I didn't know what the difference was really between that and Vegan.   So....I bought lots of salad stuff, and some apples, and boca burgers LOL    Could I be any more lame?   LOL    We are going to try to eat mostly Vegetarian all weekend.

Good evening....I keep losing track of the days and not getting in here to update and post things.  
Lately things have really gotten busier in my life.  I am looking forward to being even busier, and anxious honestly to get started on things.  
Let me back up a bit, yesterday my Pastor came over for coffee and some conversation.  With all that we have been dealing with here at home, she has been praying for me and encouraging me to hang on till it passes, she mentioned that she just hasn't had time to even touch base to see how "WE" are holding up.  Not just Shelby.   So it was a welcome visit since we really haven't had much time to sit and just relax with another adult since the chaos that went down a few short weeks ago.  

So during our coffee talk, I mention to her and J.R., that I had a dream about a week or so ago and it keeps coming to the front of my mind, no matter how often or how strongly I resist it.   I had a dream that I started a group based on the mom's group I had belonged to several years ago called MOPS (Mothers Of Preschoolers).  Since I no longer have preschoolers in my house, I can no longer attend the meetings.   It always made me sad that it had to end just because your kids grew up and went to school.   But, I digress.  

So when I presented the idea to her, she thought it was a great idea and I told her I could come up with some information for her to look at, and do some research to see if there was in fact an organization such as MOPS geared more towards mothers with teens, particularly daughters as I don't see teen boys being interested in attending a meeting with their mom and doing a craft.  But hey who knows right?  
I have gotten so pumped about all this.  I can't wait to unleash it on our community.  I pray and pray that there is a hunger for something like this around this area.  
I came up with it, when I attended a "Girlfriends group" at our church and thought that it might be a good way for Shelby and I to open up some doors of communication in a fun way, and spend some "just us" time away from home.   Although it was fun to get out just her and I, the group just wasn't what I was looking for.   I think that experience sparked the dream to be honest.

So two days into it and Her and I are creating our own group!!   Is that exciting or what?    I have so many ideas, and so many things I want to do and envision, I hope I don't overwhelm myself in the process.   My pastor said that the reason why it kept coming back to the front of my mind, is because GOD wants it there.  He is tapping me on the shoulder, and wanting me to listen.  So, here I am listening as hard as I can, and all I hear is GO FOR IT!!    I may even have to make a separate blog just for the group.   That would be so fun too.   My life couldn't be better actually...I am so very blessed!!!   I have healthy kids, a man who I adore and who adores me right back, a church family who is the Best ever!!   Now I have this opportunity to make a difference, to start something new, to embark on a special journey that will allow me to grow in my walk with Christ, and bring him to other lives as well.    Who would have thought that I would be here in my lifetime.  I sure didn't but I am glad I am right where I am.  
Well the letters on this screen are getting blurry, better get the contacts out and get some sleep.   I am not even sure if I can sleep because I have so many things running around in my brain right now.  
Good night, God Bless and Thanks for listening to me ramble.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

Catching up...or at least trying to.

Good afternoon,
  It's been awhile I know....all I can say is it's been a crazy month so far.  Guess I should get everyone caught up, kids are doing well in school.   We had allowed Shelby's boyfriend to move in with us, as his mom kicked him out of the house so we thought we could help out in some small way.   That went tragically wrong in all four quadrents!!    Things got bad with Shelby...she ran away 3 times in a 4 day span just a couple of weeks ago, after finding out that her bf was moving 90 minutes away.   (not far enough in my opinion really).

  But, after calling the police every time, listing her as missing, us not sleeping for fear that she wasn't going to be there when we woke up was stressful at best.    Finally the last time she was gone for 9 hours, and we took her to the University of Iowa hospital and had her admitted to the Child Psych unit.   Was a scary time for all of us, we just didn't know how to handle all of this.   I never thought in a million years that this is what the doctor meant 16 yrs ago when she told me that Shelby was "Precocious" and advised me to read a book called, "How to raise your spirited child"!!    OMG, I was so not prepared, as no parent really is when these things happen.

But, I must say that 1 week in the hospital has so far yielded good results.   We are cautious and guarded, looking for signs always of something going awry.    It's only been a few days since she has been at home.   I hope she never has to go through that again...or any of us for that matter.   It was not how I want to spend any more of my time in this life.  But, I will not quit on her, and I will fight with and for her.

Through all this my friends and family have been so supportive and helpful.  Praying for us, and writing to me, calling me and just sending love to my family.   The love has been felt deep within my soul and I can never repay all those who hung in there with me and read the rambling posts and notes.   I love you all.   HUGS

Each day is a new one, and each day we have opportunities to make a positive impact on people.  I choose to work on that everyday.    I hope others do as well.




‎"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."- Harvey Fierstein

Why can't losing weight be more fun???

I think because we don't make it fun.....so I am going to attempt fun and losing weight.  I just have to do it.   I am not happy with how I look right now and haven't for a long time.  Not that I don't love who I am and love my body no matter what size or shape I am....I honestly can say that I am at that point in my life right now.   I do love my body how it is...but....it isn't good health wise to be this weight.  I need to trim down, get more active, eat better, and I know it will affect the rest of my life.    

So now that I am allowed to move a bit more, and can do a little bit different exercises as well as just stretches, I have variety and I can hopefully get moving enough to help me lose weight faster than starving myself.

Organization

It's a big word, and in my house lately a very big task!    With the kids each involved in activities and sports and band...and...need I go on?    

Anyway, I find myself wanting to be more efficient, make things run smoother here.  With the 2 dogs now there are more things to do associated with care and feeding.   I am just one person, who still at this time cannot do it all.   I shouldn't have to do it all either, as I have been reminded.   The kids are big enough to learn to do some things that will only help them become more independent adults.  Hopefully preparing them for adulthood is most parents wish.  I have always taken care of everything they need and I am kind of kicking myself for doing so much for them.   Allowing them to become dependent on me for everything.   Since my surgery I haven't been able to do it all for them, and our house has suffered.   So today I came up with a responsibility list for each child, with before school, after school, after supper, and before bedtime lists of some things they CAN and need to do for themselves without reminders from me.    I honestly am tired of hearing my own voice.   I bet they are tired of it as well and I know for a fact that they tend to shut me out after awhile.   

Here's hoping this will be a very positive step towards not only teaching them to be responsible, but to get some habits ingrained in their still malliable  minds,    

I think it is time for some coffee....hoping I can get more awake and alert enough to finish some more tasks I had mapped out for myself today.

"There's no place like home" 

Completing tasks.....do you or don't you?

I don't know about you, but some days I feel like I have so many things going at one time, I never feel like I get any of them done.    For instance, this morning...I went into the bathroom and noticed the trash can needed emptying.  No big deal right?   Well I took the bag out and realized there wasn't another bag in there to put right in, I do this so a fresh bag can be put in right away.   I left the bathroom, emptied the garbage into the kitchen trash can and meant to grab another bag from the fancy little holder we have that we keep grocery bags in.  Mind you...our bathroom is not far from either the kitchen trash can, or the bag holder, but , alas....I forgot.  About an hour later I go in to the bathroom and the can is on top of the counter top, still awaiting a fresh bag.   I know I am not a Spring chicken, but sheesh....how forgetful can I be?    Oh well, I guess I can chalk it up to trying to keep track of so many things and that just got moved out of sight for awhile.  LOL  

Tattoo pictures (finally)

I am finally getting the links up for the tattoo I just got on Monday night. I am also adding the two I got before this one. The first is the one I got for my kids....and the other one is for my sister who continues to fight cancer.

My new one...(remember this is only 1/2 of the entire concept tattoo)


My Kids!!

Fall Finds

Yesterday I took a trip to Goodwill, hoping to find tables and racks chock full of Autumn color! But alas, I found just a couple of things but....what I did find I think I did pretty good at sprucing them up, and bringing our kitchen table into the FALL season!!


This other one is another great find....88 cents for the birdhouse planter and I added some silk flowers and put it in my bathroom...

Excited!!

Good morning....I am up and at em this morning!! got up about 7:15am and even went for a walk around two blocks with Angi!! Back pain is non existant this morning and I love it!! It's been forever since I woke up with no pain.
So after my posting yesterday about Tattoos....I ended up getting one...actually starting one anyway.... I have designed what I want and it will take up most of the side of my right outer lower leg. But it has meaning, as do most tattoos to the actual bearers of them. Mine is a brightly colorful butterfly and a cercopia moth with vines and flowers linking the two. Last night I got the colorful butterfly, which represents ME..my journey in life and how I finally feel as if I have broken out of my cocoon and unfurled my wings that are colorful, sparkly, fun and pretty. Because, since I got divorced I have started a NEW LIFE!! A life full of wonder, excitement, love and beauty. The moth (when I get it) will represent JR, for he too has emerged from a cocoon and erupted as a beautiful and interesting being. The vines and flowers will represent the connection we have, our life line together, our love and beautiful relationship will be the pretty little flowers throughout the vines. So I have to wait for this to heal and in a few weeks go and get the moth and vines!! The finished product will be so awesome I just know it.
Okay...I have rambled on and on....hope you could understand what I wrote...sometimes I have it in my head but it doesn't come out right on the screen. LOL
I will post a picture on the sidebar. So if you like, please check it out and comment. Thanks!

Tattoos

I know many people who don't really like tattoos, but I am certainly not one of those people!! :)
So far I have 6 of them, and I just might add lucky number 7 tonight. I hope they can fit me in...I wasn't even actively looking to get one...and the past couple of times I wasn't really actively looking either. Each time it seems there has been a significant event in my life that makes me yearn for something permanent to remember, recall and put outward to the world that I either survived it or achieved it. Every one of the tattoos I have mean something special to me. I have designed a couple of them but a few I have picked out of books that I saw and liked.
To me the art of tattooing is very spiritual. I know it sounds tacky or cliche...but really to me there is a bond you make with the person you go with, be it friend or family member. You also tap into sometimes very strong emotions. I feel like it is a theraputic thing as well, since it helps you to feel those emotions etc...you can move through the levels of acceptance, denial etc...and help you to move ahead in your life and achieve things you have wanted.
Okay enough about the tattoos...keep your fingers crossed (and anything else you can cross) for me that I can get one tonight!!

I know I changed it again.....LOL

Sorry for changing the layout...I guess I am just one of those people who needs to move things around often. I am still learning about this blogging thing so bear with me while I tweak and twist and mold my blog to something I can be super proud of !! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog, hope you follow me and keep up with the goings on and happenings of our family!!!

Busy days!

I have been reading some blogs and some of my fellow bloggers are canning their harvests and I too long for my kitchen to be full of clean jars and some wonderful produce to can for winter. It's been a couple of years since I canned...I don't even have jars anymore. I moved out and got divorced and didn't take them with me. I basically only took essentials that the kids and I needed at the time.
I had so many jars, lids, seals, even pectin for jams. *Sigh* But I digress....maybe next year.

Today is Ryan's first football game! Very exciting for all of us. Also, "Rally Day", or "back to church Sunday" was today at our church. They have tons of great things planned all day. But we have to miss them as not only is this the first game, but they do team and individual pictures today as well and we have to be at the field 90 minutes early for that. So we have to miss the Swen and Dean concert!! :( Oh well another time I am sure.
The kids are getting into the swing of school, and I too am trying as hard as I possibly can to get studying done each day. There doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day anymore. I guess if my back were a lot stronger yet, I would be able to do more each day. I do still have to spend time every couple of hours to lay down and rest my back for about 45 minutes and an hour. Which is a big improvement actually considering just two weeks ago I was spending the majority of my day and night laying in bed resting. So Praise God for quick healing and wonderfully talented neurosurgeons!!
The past couple of days have been warmer but still we haven't turned on the A/C again. Although I wish I had one just in our bedroom or even a window fan to pull in some cool outside air. I don't sleep the greatest without the air on. Weird huh?
Well...my head is racing and I have so many projects I want to start, from Halloween costumes, to getting some yarn so I can crochet some gifts for Christmas. I am not talented enough to make socks, mittens, gloves or even hats really...(although I can make one basic hat), I do make scarves and afghans which I enjoy immensely. I also have a huge desire to start quilting, but no longer have a sewing machine either anymore. Oh well...I can just dream for now!!

Fall

Hi, my name is Melissa and, I LOVE FALL! The crisp mornings that slowly warm into gorgeous, bright, sunny afternoons. Evenings cool enough for a sweatshirt and a patio campfire. Hot cocoa and marshmallows. Sunday afternoon Football!! Kids back in school after a long, hot summer. Finally getting into a routine again, and everyone busy with activities and planning for upcoming holidays. Crisp afternoon walks with dried, fallen leaves rustling underfoot. Need I even mention the fabulous colors of Fall? I didn't think so. :)

I can't believe that September is almost half through. I always say that I am going to plan better, and get things decorated for fall & Halloween and think of great Halloween costumes for not only the kids, but I vow every year that this will be the year I dress up!! So far, no plans made....that probably isn't a good sign is it?

Now that I have had my back surgery and I am "on the mend", I really am vowing to take my recovery time to not only try to study some, but to take time to decorate and plan and really make this Fall and Holiday season the best I have ever had. Now I know that sounds kind of stressful to some, and I wish I were as organized as some of my Fall loving friends. But, alas I am not! But I am really working on it!!
So my faithful friends all 4 of my followers...I hope to be posting some pics before the 1st of October. (wow...writing it out makes it official doesn't it?)

So, here's to cooler temps, apple cider, pumpkin lattes, the smell of cinnamon and cloves wafting through the house....and last but not least to a wonderful FALL for everyone!!!

My thoughts on Country Music

So I have kind of gotten back into listening to more "country" music. Why do I ever stop listening? I mean really? Love the beat, love the message in most of the songs, and love how faith based so much of it is. Even these days where there is so much adversity in the world, so much hatred and violence. A lot of the songs are still "hopeful, heartfelt, and soulful".

The ability to actually understand the words is also a big plus!! I am unfortunately showing my age here and no longer live by the motto, "if it's too loud then you are too old"!! I like it loud...heck my hearing isn't what it used to be either. ;) hahaha!!

So in my opinion, and my opinion only.....I love country music, it makes me feel things that get numbed out by all the nasty in the world....I don't mean the, my wife left me, I drink day and night and my dog got run over by a car songs....I like things that are more spiritual and they make you think. Thinking about how good we have it, no matter how much we own or don't own, how expensive our clothes are or how many pair of shoes we own.
Nuff said :) Thanks for reading :)

Feeling like crap

I know that the world doesn't revolve around me and the earth will continue to turn even if I am laid up in bed. But, this being laid up is really getting to me. On one hand I realize that things have to get done, the things I can't do have to be done by someone else. But on the other hand...I feel so alone and segregated just laying in my bedroom. I can't sit up for too long, and I can't walk too far...so here I lay in my bed. It sucks...I hate to sound like I am complaining and ungrateful because I am so grateful and so blessed for all the wonderful help I have received. I am just lonely. I feel like nobody wants to just hang out with me, there is always something else that has to be done. Even J.R. is so busy taking care of everything around the house every day that I barely see him. I follow him around like a lost puppy just hoping that for just a minute he would rub my ears. (not literally..LOL) I feel like I am just not fun to be around. I hurt and I can't even play on the computer or study cause I can't get comfortable. This totally sucks. I can't wait till I am better....God help me through this!!!

Saturday morning....

It's Saturday...the smell of coffee brewing is amazing~!! I got up earlier, around 7:30am. I was feeling kind of nauseas. Not really sure why, but I feel somewhat better now.
The kids are camping with their dad, Ryan called to say that they were about to have french toast and bacon for breakfast. That actually sounds pretty good right now. I had some granola with vanilla soy milk this morning....it doesn't compare to french toast and bacon.
Anywho...I have been just resting my back, and thinking what I could do today. I feel like I could just sleep the whole day away, but I know that is just my pain meds talking...LOL Maybe J.R. will hang the big Tv on the wall in or bedroom so it is easier to see when we lay in bed. I feel like a contortionist some days just trying to see the screen. It's so quiet here today. Like I mentioned the kids are camping with their dad, and Shelby just went out for a walk or something...who knows....teenagers, I just don't get em!! Wow I just sounded old didn't I? LOL Well my coffee just beeped, so it is done brewing...maybe after I drink some I will know better what I feel like doing. (although my choices are kind of limited with my surgery and all) :)

BIG NEWS

I got big news today....it's official. I am Divorced!! The judge signed the papers today~!!! It has been almost a year since I filed and finally this chapter is closing. We have a fair settlement in place and have set up visitation for the kids to see their dad. Now I can move forward into my life with J.R. The man who makes me so happy I could just burst!! I truly believe we are soul mates...I could list a million reasons why...but I won't....I know what they are and so does J.R. and for that we are truly blessed!!

The Question of the day...Friday edition....

Should you have to settle for a half-assed job done by your kids?

That is my question today....I don't understand how I am 'the wicked witch of the west" when I point out something that I asked my kids to do and they either don't complete the job or they do a crappy, quick job just to go do what they want to do. What are they thinking? Perhaps my question should be...Are they even thinking? So as you know I had surgery a mere 3 days ago on my back. I still cannot sit up in a chair for more than 10 minutes or so...and I can't stand in one spot for even less time. I thought I prepared the kids, and could count on them to all pull together and help mom out this week while I am healing. Well that my friends was a pipe dream on my part. They could barely get along with each other, how in the world could they cooperate. So basically every chore I asked any of the 3 kids to do, either got done half assed, or not at all for some lame reason or another. Not only was J.R. taking care of me...but he also went behind them and re-did everything they "claimed" they did by way of chores. Honestly I didn't think I was asking too much to have each of them pick up their OWN things, or to work together at clearing the kitchen table after a meal and putting the dishes in the dishwasher. Yes...we have a dishwasher....no need to even wash the dishes. Just load em up and turn it on. Guess it is too much for them.
Somedays I feel like pulling my hair out because they are just so selfish. I didn't think I was teaching them to be selfish people, where are they getting it???? Then they wonder why mom is dubbed "fun sucker". If I don't stay the course, and keep the discipline consistent then all Heck would break loose. Well enough of my rambling for today....I had better go lay back down for a bit, I can only sit up for a short time before I am in pain again.

Back surgery day and the day after

I didn't seem to find time to post about my impending back surgery. So here is the After Surgery blog post....
Yesterday August 31st, 2010 I arrived at Mercy hospital in Cedar Rapids at 12:00, to be whisked to a room where I undressed and put on one of those very flattering ventilated gowns they have there. I was asked a million questions, sometimes over and over again. My vitals were charted and an IV was started. (took two tries I might add). Then I was told to wait on this gurney until the doctor and anesthesia doc came in to talk to me. Shortly there after Dr. Abernathy arrived and spoke to us for a minute and marked my back on the side where I had the most pain and said, "see you after a while in the OR". Immediately after that came Dr. Franklin the anesthesia doc, he explained the risks, and what he would do step by step to help me be comfortable, I then signed the final release forms and it was time to wait some more. Everyone was very kind, and J.R. was with me the entire time. Mind you my scheduled surgery time was 5pm. When all the questions and prep work was done it was about 1:15pm. I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since Midnight the night before and of course I was hungry and thirsty, not to mention uncomfortable laying upon a hard gurney with a 2 inch mattress on it. But I got lots of pillows and everyone did their best to help make me as comfy as I could be. Finally I decided to turn on the tv to kill some time and "For the Love of the Game" with Kevin Costner & Kelly Preston was playing. Not a bad movie, would love to see it from the beginning some day. J.R. poised in the hard chair by my bedside was comforting but I knew he hadn't eaten or had a drink since breakfast and he was due to take his mid day meds. He left me briefly around 2:45 pm to go out to the car to get his meds and a cup of coffee. Of course no sooner was he gone 5 minutes, a nurse arrived in my cubbyhole and stated, "they will be ready for you in 10-15 minutes so you have to get up and go to the bathroom one last time and drink this really sour lemon lime stuff before someone wheels you down to the OR. I frantically texted J.R. and as soon as I was getting out of the bathroom across the hall I heard his voice in the hallway and the nurse telling him that they were going to be taking me down in just a few minutes.
They got me back up on the gurney again, put a very handsome bonnet on my head, I handed J.R my glasses, kissed him and said I love you, and we were off. Wheeling down the hallway, chatting pleasantly with the OR tech was doing the driving. She was a CNA once before she decided to become a nurse, and we talked about kids and families etc. The OR was chilly, lots and lots of lights and machines, I asked if I would be on my stomach for the procedure and she said yes and showed me the contraption that they place people on. Face down onto a gel cushion with a hole for your face, and then you are arched upward with your knees down and legs bent upward behind you. I asked how I would get in that thing....to which she stated..."oh we do that once you are asleep". I was like OMG how are they going to get this big body of mine up there into that thing without enduring a back injury, but I didn't say anything, as just as I thought about it, Dr. Franklin arrived....putting some medicine into my IV and I felt warm all over, my ears were fuzzy feeling and I was getting a little dizzy. He told me I would feel this way and I did indeed. Last thing I remember was the oxygen mask being put on my face and being told to take some slow, deep breaths and to think of a happy place or dream. Then Dr. Franklin asked if I wanted to count backwards from 100 or he could do it for me...I opted to hear him count. LOL I don't remember anything after he said 100!!
I awoke in the recovery room, dizzy and not really aware of the surroundings. I was on my back and it burned and hurt on my lower back. A couple of times they asked me to rate my pain...it wasn't awful but it wasn't pleasant so I told them a 5-6 out of 10....who knew that their pain scale if you had a 5-6 it was really bad pain. They put a canula in my nose for some oxygen and told me to take some slow deep breaths through my nose. I did and that seemed to help wake me up more. My head was feeling less foggy and I still had no idea what time it was, how long I had been in surgery or in the recovery room.
Soon a lovely young nurse came and said that everyone was waiting outside the doors for me....My mind had to think back for a minute..."who was everyone" I asked...she stated that J.R. was out there and Pastor Julie and someone else. Well the someone else was Julie's son James. They were all a welcome sight for these eyes. Just seeing J.R. there waiting for me and the fact that Julie and James went out of their way to come and see me touched my heart deeply. James had his laptop and he turned it to show me that he was playing "farmville" on Facebook....that made me laugh.
We rode up in the elevator to the 8th floor, where all Dr. Abernathy's patients go. The room was nice, smelled real clean and everyone was so helpful getting me off the gurney and into the more comfortable bed. Pastor Julie prayed for us and held my hand, then her and James had to get going. J.R. still faithfully by my side. I got some pain medicine and rested some in the bed...not too long and I had to pee...(one of the criteria you have to be able to do before being released). They checked vitals, all still good. The shifts changed and I had a new nurse. She told me I would need to get up for a walk when we could get the pain managed. The Morphine they gave me didn't do anything that I could tell, so they gave me a pain pill. I got to talk to the kids on the phone and let them know I was ok. They made me a cake and sent me a picture message on my phone. So sweet!!
Before long I had some broth, sprite, ice chips and water...and I got up to walk the halls with my nurse and IV pole. I did a couple of laps around the unit...felt good to walk actually. We got back to the room and J.R. had gone to get something to eat, but came back with some nasty sandwich from a vending machine. They gave me a menu to peruse and I ordered enough food for both of us to eat pretty good. The food was amazing. Like no hospital food I had ever had before. 2 thumbs up there!! Then J.R. and I took a walk 1 more lap around the unit to help our meals digest. I kept the solids down (yet another criteria met)....and the nurse came in to remove my IV. I got some more medicine, and she asked if I was staying or if I wanted to go home. We opted for home. It wasn't too terribly late and we could be home by midnight the latest.
We got home about 11:20pm and not more than 15 minutes after we arrived a thunder storm started up and it was loud, with lots of rain. I got into bed and finally got comfortable. I had to get up every two hours or so to pee and walk around a bit. I think we figured out the pain management pretty good and so far I feel great. Achey and sore at the incision site but as good as I can expect to feel. I can't sit for too long, and I can't be up too long but every couple of hours I get up and walk around the house a bit. So far so good. I am so thankful for J.R. and all he has done for me...he is my Florence Nightengale and is taking such good care of me. I couldn't ask for better treatment. I love him so much!!
More later.....

Things I like

I like my eyes, I like my feet and toes....I think they are cute. I like that I am a good friend and I am trustworthy and generally kind to everyone. (unless you are being stupid and disrespectful to others...that bothers me) I like that I am witty and funny, and that I like to talk about anything and everything under the sun. I like what I stand for....what I believe in and how I raise my kids. I like that I am honest and kind of shy sometimes. I like that I am not perfect, that I make mistakes. I like that I learn from my mistakes (most of the time). I like that others think I am special and call me friend. I like hearing someone say I love you. I like the sound of my kids laughing. I like to hug...I like to have quiet time with the man I love!! I like cooking for people and watching them enjoy what I created. I like that I believe in GOD and that I go to church. I like that I am proud sometimes but I also like that I can sometimes forgo my pride and ask for help.
I like ME, I like who I am....I like that you took time to read this!! Thanks and God bless you!

Random Musings

Things that have been on my mind lately...
My faith in God....nothing real specific but just thinking about it, and how I know I believe in God and I accept Jesus Christ as my savior. He is very powerful and I am seeing him at work everyday in my children, in my relationships with others and just in my heart. I really believe that all things happen for a reason, even on my worst days when I am feeling sorry for myself and just wanting to have my back be pain free, I know deep down there is a reason. I haven't opened my eyes wide enough to see it yet, but in due time it will be revealed to me.
I keep hearing sayings like, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle", and "There is a plan and only God knows what it is", keep reeling through my mind on both good days and bad days. I am just an infant when it comes to being in touch with my faith and my spirituality. There is so much to learn, so much to experience. I sometimes don't know where to start and feel overwhelmed. I just have to keep telling myself..."it will all be revealed when it is supposed to be revealed". I have no control over that, and for a control freak such as I am....it is not an easy task sometimes. I am just hopeful that all will be well when it is supposed to be.

Another thing I have had on my heart and mind lately is the fact that there are people out there, whom we think care about us, and in fact they treat us "differently" after we make a decision that we know is right and before acting on it, they thought it was right as well. It has become clear to me that a person who I thought really cared and understood the situation I was dealing with in my marriage, has chosen "the other side" so to speak. (Not that I wanted a side chosen or there to even be sides). But, truly I felt very close to this person. For me I thought that if anyone would understand it would be this person, as this person had been through a marriage that didn't work, and ultimately ended in divorce. So why am I being judged so harshly? Why would communication be broken down so much by me "saving myself and my children" from a life of misery. I know that I wouldn't have been happy, there were chances given to seek help to save US. Those chances were thrown away like a broken mirror. All the visions of happiness along with it. If I have learned nothing else from this experience, I have learned that we must listen, we must try to adapt ourselves to save the ones we love, we have to be sensitive to how our words, actions and non-actions affect those we hold so dear. I want to be the best mom, friend, lover, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, and someday hopefully a wife. I know I am not perfect, nobody is. In fact, I am far from it. I do strive to be the best ME I can be. Everyone is an individual and what works for one will not work for all. So maybe being the best I can be isn't the best someone else on the outside deems perfect, but I am the best ME I can be. For that I will never apologize or feel regret. I will only feel PEACE as I know in my heart I did what I was capable of.

Sorry for the rambling and hope it wasn't too "out there", Just something I had to get out of my head and onto the page just to help me to understand, or at least accept the situation.

Blessings....

Blessings....what do you consider a blessing? I have so many blessings that I count each and every day. My kids and JR are my number one blessings. My life isn't complete without them in it. Even on days when the kids are just testing me at every turn...still they are a blessing. Without these tests how do we/they learn? J.R. is such a blessing to me, he is sensitive, kind, respectful and loves me for who I am, not who he thinks I should be. I too love him for who he is, and what he stands for in this crazy world. He has truly done what the title of my blog implies...he has "breathed life into a once empty shell" that was my life. I am more confidant than ever in my abilities. I want to be a better person. Love does make the world go around. :)

Pain management

The day after a day that was so full of pain I actually cried. I consider myself someone who has a pretty good tolerance for pain. (I did give birth to 3 kids with no epidural or pain meds) I have never been more anxious to go see a doctor, than I am now to go and see the neurosurgeon about my herniated disc. If surgery is going to be what allows me to exercise, get stronger and be able to participate in the kids lives more fully then I guess it is what I am going to have to do. I have thought of the other options as well, physical therapy, or epidural these will probably take longer but if I am not a candidate then I have to live with that. I just would like to be able to stop taking all this medication.
Okay enough blather about my back pain.
Our family has been invited to a baptism for our friend's little boy. Kids will have fun since it is a FIESTA!! There will be pinatas and all kinds of fun stuff. My pain pills are starting to work so who knows what I could type on here...LOL Good bye for now...have a blessed day!!!

It's New & (hopefully) Improved!!

So here goes.....I've re-worked the old "life in the silly lane" blog I once started and have changed a few things here and there, added some things and basically have tried to make it more appealing.   A word of warning though,  I do sometimes whine and complain.....but for the most part I think I am a pretty upbeat and positive person, who tries to find the good in every situation.   At least that is what I strive to do.   :)  

So fasten your seat belts.....it could be a bumpy ride.   But what journey doesn't have it's bumps in the road right?    RIGHT!!    :)

Just me summer 2010

hammin it up
Originally uploaded by Melissajayne2010

Updates....(wish I had a better title LOL )

Sooo...how long has it been? Quite awhile. Last time I was here was in March. My life with J.R. couldn't be better. I never knew love could grow so deeply and tenderly. But in fact it does, more and more with every passing day. I have never known someone who I could completely and totally be myself with and be loved so deeply. The kids are all doing well. Shelby is a Junior in high school, Ryan is entering 5th grade and Elizabeth is going into 2nd. I can't believe how fast they are growing up. Becoming individuals more and more each day. As for the divorce situation, neither J.R. or I have completely gotten through the process just yet. I am hoping with a settlement conference scheduled this week coming, that we can get all this ironed out once and for all and get it all finalized. It shouldn't have lingered on this long in the first place, but I am guessing Scott wanted to make a point (a very expensive one at that).

On June 26th of this year I mowed the grass and pulled my back out. I had done this before, and frankly a couple of days rest and some muscle relaxers usually do the trick. Not this time!! After a week and I was getting only worse I went to the doctor for a second time and got it xrayed...found out that the space between my L5 and S1 discs was extremely narrowed. So off to Physical therapy I went, more pain meds, anti inflammatory drugs and muscle relaxers, a TENS unit, Ice therapy and a back brace and still no relief after 3 more weeks. I asked for an MRI which showed a Herniated disc in my back. Great!! After finding this out I had to be scheduled for an epidural, where they inject cortisone directly into the actual disc. This was more than 2 weeks ago. Now I am being referred to a back surgeon and we shall see what happens next. So here I sit, unable to work....unable to do housework....my only solace is that J.R. and I have a great relationship and when he isn't here I can hang with the kids (when they aren't out doing their own things) and I play on Facebook alot. So that is my life in a nutshell basically. Hopefully someday real soon I can report that the divorces are final and that J.R and I plan to be married. :)

it's been awhile....but here goes

Things have been going great with J.R. and I. The kids are really blossoming into very considerate and wonderful people. Not that they weren't great before, but WOW...what a difference leaving our previous environment has done. I feel like a new woman.....I am still working (although day shift now), and the kids are doing great in school. I still wish I could find more time to study for the Pharmacy tech exam, or to exercise, but I am thinking that will come too. Now that the weather is beginning to get nicer and we have gone through daylight savings time....the evenings can be productive times where we can hopefully get outdoors as a family and get in some bike rides. (well as soon as JR, Shelby and I get bikes that is...we already got the kids new ones) So my wish is to be able to not only have some quality family time, but also get some exercise that isn't really like exercise in for all of us!!

I hope to be able to update more often and keep this thing updated....but you all know how it goes!!

updates thus far in my life

I guess when I last posted here, Scott and I were working things out. Things were good for a few weeks tops...then no matter how many times I tried to overlook behaviors that brought us to that place, it just got more difficult. No matter what I said, or did I seemed to be always wrong. Now I ask you...(rhetorically of course)...."Is it possible that one person can be wrong ALL THE TIME? and never be right at all..." I am talking 100% of the time. I honestly don't think it is possible. But hey...I have been wrong before. ;) So feeling unheard, unappreciated, unrespected, unloved and totally taken for granted, I began sleeping on the sofa. Now if you recall I worked night shift 11pm-7am. So sleeping in the first place was at best, difficult if not impossible at times. Add to this sleeping on a sofa that is at best Uncomfortable. Not once in the almost 2 months I slept there did he wonder, or ask me why I was sleeping there. The truth of it being that I truly wasn't attracted to him physically and not only that his lack of restraint when it came to his eating really repulsed me...I couldn't sit and watch him EAT himself to death. Being overweight already with sleep apnea, his constant smoking worsening his breathing and I am sure his heart function wasn't very good sure didn't bode well by adding whole boxes of donuts, 1 lb bags of chocolate covered peanuts, bottles of soda, and bags of licorice. (this was all in one sitting for the most part) The snacks varied everyday, and the fact that we were in debt and didn't have money for things didn't deter him from making sure his snacking and smoking needs were met. He didn't speak to me, didn't even acknowledge my presence or even the kids most days. When I confronted him about his deepening depression and unhealthy eating habits...and the fact that I was worried that someday I would come home from work and either a) he would be dead cause his heart just stopped , b) the sleep apnea would take him and the kids would find their dad dead in his bed, or c) our house would be on the news because he fell asleep with a ciggarette in his mouth and it burned our house and family up while I was at work. (he often fell asleep smoking and had burned himself on the chest and had burned holes in our mattress and blankets , rugs, sofa etc....because he would fall asleep at the drop of a hat) Take all this and add in a little verbal abuse for me and the kids who none of us ever did anything right and finally I had had enough, and it was time to go. I couldn't and wouldn't subject any of us to the constant day to day berating sessions, and ego crushing talk he spewed. I couldn't stand by one more time and see our kids accomplishments be crushed and overshadowed with comments like " great job, BUT......you could have done this better and you didn't do this right" Now why can't a compliment be given without a BUT? To me it just negates the Positive and doubles up the negative in a kids mind. I know it did for me.
During all of this time I had friends I confided in, who supported any decision I made and thought I was doing the right thing to get out of their...they had been around him enough to see the anti-social behaviors and lack of respect he has for anyone for that matter. By no means and I perfect, and I do have flaws and I know I didn't always handle situations the best, but I did at least TRY. I didn't always sit back and wait till the walls fall in around me so to speak.
One of my friends who is also my pharmacist, was always there with a kind ear and had been for many years since I moved here. I felt safe talking to him and the few other friends I trusted with such personal information. He was supportive and never once told me what to do, but offered any help he could. After talking to him several times he opened up to me about his failing and abusive marriage. (yes folks men can be abused by wives). We comforted one another, we listened to each other, and when I decided to make the move to leave...he was there to help us get out and made sure we were safe. He has always adored my children and I later found out that he thought I was a great mom who did everything for my kids to keep them safe, healthy and raising them to be good and upstanding people. We became closer as time went on and we like to think that God intervened and put an end to our individual suffering and brought us together to be happy for the rest of our lives.
I feel somedays like I am in a fairy tale. We are so happy together, and the kids have flourished like I could have never believed. They are becoming the children I have struggled to raise, and since I was not getting the support I should have they weren't being respectful of just about anyone. It just goes to prove that negative attention really overwhelms the positive stuff. So we are working hard now to double up the positive to overcome the negative that are in place, and we are hopeful that they will turn around with time, love, patience and consistency. It isn't always easy but it is getting better.
I have never felt loved, supported, encouraged, and respected in my life. I feel as if the real me is back from a far away land. I feel good in my skin.....my mind and heart have found peace. I only hope I afford him the same things and offer him solace from the past things he has been through. We have been told by so many people we know separately and together that we both LOOK HAPPY now. I never realized how Unhappy I must have looked. It had to be bad for it to be that noticeable. Our pastor asked him to replay our "love story" as she has never seen two people who are more in love and who truly appreciate and respect one another the way we do. I take that as a great compliment and great tribute to our love for each other.

So my life started anew, and I forsee only good things, peace, love and understanding for us both for the rest of our days.