I have many wishes, wants, desires. My biggest wish lately is for my kids to figure out how to deal with the anger they hold inside and to help them to deal with it in a constructive and loving way. I pray a lot on this subject, and quite frankly I don't know if I am asking for the right things. For instance if you pray for patience, your patience will be tested at every turn, but if you pray for grace you will receive the tools to cope and deal with situations that are challenging. I wish I had the grace to help my two youngest kids to help them to cope with the emotions and conflicts they are dealing with.
I know most of it comes from their dad and I divorcing this past year. They have shared with me that they are angry that their dad doesn't call them, or see them. They slowly inform me of things that went on during visits with their dad. It makes me so sad to hear these things. I want nothing more than to protect them, and I feel helpless when they tell me these things.
I believe that honesty with them about the state of the relationship between their father and I is a positive thing. I never talk badly about him, but instead I tell them that their dad really does love them, but has made some choices that weren't very positive. As of this day, my ex is not only unemployed, but he is also homeless and living in his car. I was so sad when my youngest Elizabeth age 7 informed me that, her dad lives in his car. Why should this ever be in their vocabulary? They feel anger, they feel sadness, they feel betrayed by him. My son told me after he calmed down from an outburst this weekend, that he is struggling. My son struggles with being loyal to his dad and the desire to look up to him, and knowing that J.R. is a wonderful man and wanting to model his life and choices after J.R. and not his own father. How difficult this must be for a boy of 10. I can only imagine the pain this causes in his little heart. He told us that he is choosing to look up to J.R. and model his life after him. He respects him, he loves him , and he knows in his heart that J.R. love him and respects him as if he were his own flesh and blood. Knowing this helps my heart to feel better, but still my kids struggle.
So tonight when I pray, I will pray again for Grace to help my children let go of the anger, love their father as Jesus does, and forgive him as I have, and move forward with their lives. Pursuing dreams and wishing on rainbows like children should.
"God always gives you all the grace you need. So you will only have to suffer for a little while. Then God himself will build you up again. He will make you strong and steady. And he has chosen you to share in his eternal glory because you belong to Christ"
1 Peter 5:10 (NIRV)
3 comments:
It seems like kids should just be able to say, "Wow! So this is how you use logic!" I do remember having so many emotional reactions when I was that age that I didn't even know I was searching for answers or that I was to anticipate them. I do know that consistent, overwhelming love makes it really hard for kids to make bad choices. It just takes a while when you haven't learned how that feels.
Well hopefully we are teaching them and leading them to answers. Each day is a new struggle, a new "A-ha" moment for all of us. Thank you for being in our world J.R. We are blessed beyond measure.
First of all, many hugs to you and yours.
Every day, I walk this self same walk with my older daughter, Nancy. Her father is technically *there* but he really isn't. She'd kill me for sharing this, but this past weekend she tried to call him to plan a visit over the Thanksgiving holiday. He only sees her once every two months (at best), and doesn't even talk with her daily...but yet he felt the need to talk with her for a mere 45 seconds and tell her, "We're getting ready to go out, so I'll have to talk to you another time." She was devastated, yet once again, that her father was choosing to go out drinking over spending just a few minutes telephonically with her. Devastated doesn't really cover it, for she was a true mess. And who swooped in and saved the day? Joey. A man who has known her for only three months, a man who doesn't owe either of us one thing, but a man who already loves her like she is his own child. And miraculously, this man is the ONLY person who she will listen to, who can calm her down, who she trusts.
If I'd known exactly what to pray for where Nancy was concerned, I'd have prayed for Joey to come into her life earlier than this, but I believe that God sends us exactly what or who we need at exactly the precise moment we need them. This is why you and JR found each other, Melissa - because you both were meant to. God knew who you and your children needed, He knew who had the wherewithal and the love with which to help you all.
I haven't even tackled the grace portion of this post, but yes...continue to pray for grace. Grace and forgiveness go hand in hand though, so don't be surprised that at some point, you may find yourself in a position that in order to heal completely and in order to help your children heal completely, you have to forgive your ex-husband what he has done and continues to do. This doesn't mean walking straight up to him and saying, "Hey, I forgive you." But it might mean forgiving him in your heart and mind. I've had to do forgive Nancy's father for some very horrible things, but as soon as I did it, I felt more at peace and THAT is when grace took over and did some marvelous work in our lives.
Melissa, hold tight to your faith. Hold tight to JR. Hold tight to all your wishes and dreams for your children. All will be well in a fashion. Just continue to believe.
Love from Maine at 3:12 AM. (I seriously woke up in the middle of the night with your blog on my mind. Now I know why.)
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