My faith in God....nothing real specific but just thinking about it, and how I know I believe in God and I accept Jesus Christ as my savior. He is very powerful and I am seeing him at work everyday in my children, in my relationships with others and just in my heart. I really believe that all things happen for a reason, even on my worst days when I am feeling sorry for myself and just wanting to have my back be pain free, I know deep down there is a reason. I haven't opened my eyes wide enough to see it yet, but in due time it will be revealed to me.
I keep hearing sayings like, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle", and "There is a plan and only God knows what it is", keep reeling through my mind on both good days and bad days. I am just an infant when it comes to being in touch with my faith and my spirituality. There is so much to learn, so much to experience. I sometimes don't know where to start and feel overwhelmed. I just have to keep telling myself..."it will all be revealed when it is supposed to be revealed". I have no control over that, and for a control freak such as I am....it is not an easy task sometimes. I am just hopeful that all will be well when it is supposed to be.
Another thing I have had on my heart and mind lately is the fact that there are people out there, whom we think care about us, and in fact they treat us "differently" after we make a decision that we know is right and before acting on it, they thought it was right as well. It has become clear to me that a person who I thought really cared and understood the situation I was dealing with in my marriage, has chosen "the other side" so to speak. (Not that I wanted a side chosen or there to even be sides). But, truly I felt very close to this person. For me I thought that if anyone would understand it would be this person, as this person had been through a marriage that didn't work, and ultimately ended in divorce. So why am I being judged so harshly? Why would communication be broken down so much by me "saving myself and my children" from a life of misery. I know that I wouldn't have been happy, there were chances given to seek help to save US. Those chances were thrown away like a broken mirror. All the visions of happiness along with it. If I have learned nothing else from this experience, I have learned that we must listen, we must try to adapt ourselves to save the ones we love, we have to be sensitive to how our words, actions and non-actions affect those we hold so dear. I want to be the best mom, friend, lover, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, and someday hopefully a wife. I know I am not perfect, nobody is. In fact, I am far from it. I do strive to be the best ME I can be. Everyone is an individual and what works for one will not work for all. So maybe being the best I can be isn't the best someone else on the outside deems perfect, but I am the best ME I can be. For that I will never apologize or feel regret. I will only feel PEACE as I know in my heart I did what I was capable of.
Sorry for the rambling and hope it wasn't too "out there", Just something I had to get out of my head and onto the page just to help me to understand, or at least accept the situation.
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