Why can't it be easier to leave your husband? Why can't I get out of here sooner. Why must I endure the silence and heartache I feel every time I look around me at what WE created? Why does it cost so much up front to move? Why? Why? Why?
So many whys....and no answers to the questions. Not for lack of looking for answers. I don't know if it is because he is home today (a day off work), and the fact that I am off as well...but I just don't want to be here. I want to move now. I want to get my life better, get my finances in line better. With him being off work for almost 2 full years really has messed things up in the credit dept. Most times we barely had money for food....the old saying , "robbing Peter to pay Paul" Really got a new meaning. I hate it. I hate living day to day, minute to minute. Why can't it be easier to break free from an awful situation? This must be one of the "down" days I have heard about from those who I know who have travelled this road before. I just feel trapped, alone and extremely sad. I want my own place.....I want my kids to see happiness in my face again.....I want to feel comfortable in my own home.
I just wish I could get a loan for a few thousand dollars.....I know this would totally get me going in my own place, and I could get things on track and into a more "normal" place. But alas, credit sucks....bank doesn't care that I am miserable here....that I would be using the money to start a new life for me and my children. To house, feed and take care of us. I feel as if there isn't anyone I can even ask to help with this. I don't like to ask for help...call it pride, call it stubborn ....whatever you call it I just hate doing it. Being self sufficient is something I have always prided myself on.
I need to move on now.....right now.....some say fools rush in, but fools also stay in miserable situations.....so I guess either way I look the fool. I don't care....Just get me and my wonderfully sensitive kids out of here and into a place of our own real soon.
2 comments:
I've been so busy that I haven't had time to comment. Girlfriend, you are doing the right thing. Where there is a will, there is a way...and just hold on, that way will be presented to you.
You are very brave, Melissa.
{{{HUGS}}}
Thanks Myra...I don't feel very brave sometimes..It's just I want better for my kids and for myself and since he isn't willing to work on anything because he can't see that he has done or is doing anything wrong...and probably never will...I am just doing what I have to do for my kids. (and myself but them first and foremost)
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