Crying....

It's been a hectic day already, it's 3pm here and I have gone through a bunch of papers and kept what is mine and threw out what was no good. Boy 9 yrs can accumulate alot of stuff. I've been trying to find a place to live today....got an appointment to see a house for rent tomorrow so keeping my fingers crossed on that one. I let go of my foolish pride today and called our pastor...she is such a wonderful woman. I got on the phone with her and I just bawled like a baby....not sure what brought that on but it is the first "big" cry I have had since all this has started. I think me being angry at him and feeling like he just gave up on us, and didn't feel we were important enough to work at it.....really kept me kinda numb, sure I was feeling sad and upset that all this has happened...but the anger really kept all the other feelings buried a bit. So today was the first time I cried real hard and realized that 9 yrs of a marriage that I have worked so hard at, and a family that I was so proud of....has just gone down the tubes. It's over, I dont' know if it is the anger, frustration, or simply that I can't believe he would let this go by the way side like this that has me not having feelings for him right now. I feel resentful and I feel like I totally dont' know who he is anymore. I trusted him completely and after finding some internet sites he has visited lately....I honestly don't know who he is. I do know he has been looking up lawyer sites on the internet....trying to find a divorce lawyer I guess. That is fine by me....One less thing I have to pay for. I wonder if he will try to get custody of the kids? I honestly don't think a judge would let him have too much since he isn't very responsible and wont' even take care of himself. I don't want things to be nasty and dragged out. I want to solve it amicably and I would never keep him from the kids unless I thought they would be in danger. I just think that if he doesn't start taking care of himself....he isn't going to be long for this world at all....I see people go downhill very fast in my line of work...and it is a sad, sad thing to see. Especially when they are younger people.....(yep Younger people come to nursing homes too...) Well like I have been saying, I can't make him go to the doctor and get help, I can't make him happy....I can only be responsible for my happiness and for the safety, well being and happiness of our kids. That is what I intend to do...make a good life for them no matter what it takes.
I read my daughters blog earlier and I felt bad that she thought we were splitting up cause of her....and that couldn't be further from the truth. I just hate that she thinks that way. I will do all I can to reassure her that it was between the two of us and had nothing to do with them. I know that when my parents divorced....we thought it was our fault too but, my mom always told us it wasn't and let us know that sometimes grown ups just can't live together....so that is why they lived apart. I know it gave me great comfort to know that they loved us and wanted the best for us and didn't want us to grow up with them fighting and them being miserable staying together just for us. That is alot to put on a kid. And I won't do that to mine.
Thanks for reading....any comments please let me know what you think...